I don't even know anymore, seriously. You're so unpredictable.

Guess what? I'm gonna stop wasting my time. It's pride you call it. So it shall be.

If i ever learn anything from you, is that i mean nothing to you and i will always be like everybody else. I just have to face it and learn to detach. Ok.... I lost my phone for the first time ever in life, today. I'm not gonna even defend myself but i'm kinda excited cos i'm getting a new blackberry! I'm still not sure if i should get the bold or javelin. Hmmm.

It's been awhile since I rant away my frustration here. Being away from my family makes me realize that even when I'm back in my home country, i dont feel home. I hate not being able to drive around - firstly because i dont have a car and secondly because no one trusts my driving skills laaaaa. It's not even funny cos i'm licensed to drive!! I have to depend on other people to get around. Fffffffffffff. I came across this quote which truly reflects how i feel right now:

Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that they feel the same.

I hope you know how i feel even if you plan to keep it a secret ;) For some reason, the first of June always leaves me with a thought, like a time check sort of thought. Half of 2009 has gone by and if i reflect back on the past months, I'd definitely say it's been a ride. Breaking up wasn't easy and it still entrails me at times. I tried means and ways to get over it and fell into the same trap shortly. Not like I regret any bit of it, just wished it wouldnt have to be that hard...

My grades picked up this semester despite the countless hours spent at SIFE -- which i'm really happy about. Regionals and nationals were mind-blowing experiences and glad that i could be part of. The next three months matter. I'm home in a place where I was born and very fortunately, things have been well so far. I'm still in the family/vacation/relaxation mood where I cant get anything not-family related done (eg: catch up with friends, trying to figure life out, etc).

This should be an interesting summer for me, i'll have to make it good. Extracted from Christine's blog, enjoy!

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8 types of relationship that won't work by Barbara de Angelis

1. You care more about your partner than he does about you.
There are always going to be moments or days when one person is more "in love" than the other. In a healthy relationship, this feeling switches back and forth so that both partners take turns pursuing and getting pursued. However, a relationship is not healthy when only one person is doing the pursuing most or all the time. This is a relationship out of balance and therefore will never work. If this continues over a long period, you will nd up feeling angry, cheated, miserable and starving for love.

2. You are in love with your partner's potential.
You aren't really in love with who they actually are, you are in love with you you hope they can become. With that kind of mindset, the person is not your love partner, he is really your "pet project". If you have begun a relationship with someone, makes sure you love, respect and enjoy that person as he is today. It is okay to desire to see him grow, but he should be enough for you as he is right now.
If you keep hoping to change your partner so that you will eventually be happy with him, you aren't being fair to either of you. You are really ambling with both your happiness and future. If you are feeling something for someone right now, be honest with yourself. "Am I willing to spend the rest of my life with this person if he never changes the way he is right now?"

3. You are on a rescue mission.
Do you often feel sorry for your partner? Do you feel responsible for helping your partner get his life together? Are you afraid that if you leave, your partner's life would fall apart? If your answer is "yes", you are probably a "rescue-holic", who don't look for partners who are compatible; they look for partners whom they feel compelled to help.
Once you're in it, it is really hard to get out. Because you will feel guilty; as if you are abandoning your helpless partner and hurting him terribly.
The key word here to remember is "respect". The person you choose to love must be someone you can feel respect for, and be proud of who he is. A genuine love relationship is not based on what you can do for a person, but on how much intimacy you two can experience together.

4. You look up to your partner as a role model.
When you fall in love with someone who is your role model, it is difficult to have a normal relationship. You can never genuinely relate to each other as equals. I am not talking about status, but attitudes. I am not saying that people of different positions and status can;t fall in love, but when you put your partner on a pedestal, you will feel inferior to him. People who fall in love with a role model usually suffers from very low self-esteem.
The only way a love relationship can work is if (a) you love and appreciate yourself as much as you love and admire him, and (b) your partner is willing to stop functioning as your mentor.

5. You are infatuated with your partner for external reasons.
If you ever find yourself infatuated with one element of a partner's personality, ask yourself: "If this person doesn't have those big eyes, gorgeous hair, great voice, would I still like to be with him or her?"

6. You and your partner are really "trench buddies".
Both of you are together on a project at work. The project requires long hours and teamwork. In the middle of it, you feel like you're falling in love with each other.
"Trench buddies" are people thrown into the trenches of unusual environments where they live life together for a short while. In that period, they become intensely bonded together. But usually, it doesn't last. Of course, one can meet a soul mate during a vacation or through a mutual work project. The danger is that you become so consumed with being together during that period that you forget: a happy, fulfilling relationship can only be forged through a substantial process of time.

7. You choose a partner in order to be rebellious.
Your parents have always emphasized the importance of money and prestige. Your parents always insisted on order and discipline in your house. Your parents are conservative and strict. You father brought you up believing that the family lineage is everything.
The point here is not that relationships between people of different backgrounds can't work. But if you have a pattern of choosing partners who upset your family, you are probably acting out of rebellion, When you act out of compulsion and not out of choice, your love is no longer genuine and the relationship is doomed to fail.

8. Your partner is emotionally unavailable.
In many ways, it is not a relationship at all! The first requirement you should have for a partner is that he is availale. Forthose of us who like to pretend we don;t know what "available" meansm here is the definition: Free to be in a relationship with you; not involved with anyone else; not married; not engaged; not going steady; not sleeping with another person; alone; single; all yours.
When you get involve with someone who is in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with someone else, you are accepting that person's leftovers. And you deserve much, much better than that. Just maybe if I blog my life away, it gets better than how it is now? But sometimes I'm scared to even blog my deepest feelings for fear that I'd hurt someone who's reading this. Not getting a response to what I'm writing is a relief sometimes. I guess I'll consider changing the privacy setting of my blog.

Anyhow, i'm 4.5 days away from my last final exam of the semester but nothing seems to be recording in my brain! With 10kg to lose for the next 5 weeks, I hope i have no time to worry my life away or worry that i will not be okay afterall. At least I don't have an excuse now cos everyone else is friggin' telling me to lose weight! :(:(:(:(

So, don't you love me for who I am anymore? Hahahaha.. And they tell me, "We love you that's why we want what's best for you!"

I'm not complaining, after all I've been hope-creeping myself into all this. Boo. I need self-determination, where can I purchase that? Anywhere? How about a visit to Holt Renfrew instead? That's so much more theurapeutic :) i forgot that this blog still exist for me to rant my life away. i've been extremely unhappy with life the past week or so. i dont know why but i feel like everything i've done up to this point, have amount to nothing. sometimes even expressing yourself to others could be a problem for me. i also realized how much of an extrovert i am. i like to discuss about my problems to friends and significant other but even with expressing how i feel, i am not quite sure how...